When Sh*t Happens
I recently watched a TED talk by Lucy Hone, called The Three Secrets of Resilient People. I think of myself as resilient, yet I wondered what exactly these secrets were—secrets that Hone calls her “go-to strategies” which she says saved her in her darkest days.
As it turns out, these were the same strategies I found most useful on my own journey through grief following the death of my son in 2013 and captured in my book, From Grief to Grace…A Mother’s Journey. Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses to bear.
There are tools that work, and those of us that used them are proof positive that we can rise up from adversity, even from the death of a child. It is absolutely possible to make yourself think and act in certain ways that help you navigate tough times.
Adversity Doesn’t Discriminate
To begin her TED Talk, Lucy Hone demonstrated that adversity doesn’t discriminate. She asked audience members to stand up if they had ever lost someone they truly loved, ever had their heart broken, struggled through an acrimonious divorce, or been the victim of infidelity. Also, they were to stand if they ever lived through a natural disaster, had been bullied, or made to feel redundant. Next, if they’d ever had a miscarriage, had an abortion, or struggled through infertility, they were to stand. And finally, if they, or anyone they love, have had to cope with mental illness, dementia, some form of physical impairment, or cope with suicide, they were to please stand up.
Although the cameras couldn’t really capture the full audience, it was clear that few, if any, were left seated. I certainly could have stood up for at least seven of the events she had listed. And here I am, still standing—choosing to be the hero in my story, not the victim.
Become an Active Participant in your Process
As I watched Lucy recount the story of the sudden death of her 12-year-old daughter Abi in an auto accident, I was struck by the similar choices we each had to make as we faced the unspeakable sorrow sweeping over us. Like me, she was given leaflets and resources that meant well, but they all left her feeling like a victim, powerless. In addition, like me, she was given predictions of a five-year slog, that her marriage was likely to fail, and there would be collateral damage to her health and ability to function in the world, all of which would further compound the grief.
Lucy says she already knew things were terrible. So did I. What we needed and longed for was hope. We needed a journey through all that anguish, pain, and longing. Both of us wanted to be active participants in our grief process. Like me, Lucy decided to become her own experiment. Would the tools she knew from her work and research on resilient people before the death of her daughter be of any help to her in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb? Although our research and backgrounds were quite different, it turns out the tools we turned to were the same.
Three Strategies that Work
The following are three go-to strategies which both of us relied upon even though we have never met and my loss occurred a year before hers. The following three strategies underpin all of Lucy’s work and saved her in her darkest days. They are available to us all. She believes anyone can learn them.
Strategy One: Recognize that Sh*t Happens and It’s Not Personal. Resilient people get that suffering is part of life. They don’t welcome it in, but they don’t feel discriminated against when the tough times come. They don’t ask, “Why me?” Neither Lucy nor I asked ourselves that question. My immediate question was “What now?” Hers was, “Why not me?”
Strategy Two: Focus on What You Can Change. Resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they place their attention, focusing on the things they can change and accepting the things they cannot. Humans are hard-wired at noticing the negative. Resilient people are good at tuning into the good while not ignoring the negative. We find ways to feel gratitude, to appreciate the beauty present in the moment, and not miss the good by focusing on what was lost. This requires a deliberate ongoing effort to tune into the positive.
Strategy Three: Pay Attention and Direct Your Thoughts. Resilient people notice their inner process and pay attention to choices they are making. They ask themselves, “Is what I’m doing, how I’m thinking or acting, helping or harming me?” For me, I could see that entertaining thoughts beginning with what if, wish I’d of, why didn’t I, if only—the list goes on—entertaining these thoughts only drove me deeper into my grief. They also are rooted in the past where we have no power to make a difference. I learned to shift my focus moment by moment to something I could be grateful for, often a happy memory, and it helped rather than harmed me.
Be kind to yourself and others.
When you choose a different thought, it leads to a different feeling, and different outcomes. You become the director of your life, the captain of your destiny. When you choose to forgive yourself and others for whatever they should or shouldn’t have done, you take on an active role in your journey through grief.
Jack Canfield, besides being known for his Chicken Soup for the Soul books, is also known for his Success Principles and the equation E+R=O—Event plus Response equals Outcome. We cannot control the events in our lives. Our only point of leverage is our response. Resilient people have learned to respond in ways that are empowering and healing and lead to their desired outcomes.
It is Possible to Live Joyfully from Your Broken-Open Heart.
Resilience isn’t illusive. It requires a willingness to play an active role in your healing. It requires the willingness to give up being a victim when our lives veer off in some terrible direction. Like Lucy says, “If you ever think, I’ll never come back from this, lean into these strategies. They show you that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time.”